*This document was drafted immediately after a settlement meeting with the President and Vice-President of Royal Banana Co and their attorney, Mike Weaver on April 10, 2017. It was a productive meeting, and even though Mr. Weaver showed very poor manners by not offering me a glass of water, we came to an agreement that was good for both the goose and the gander…or so I thought.
The Banana Split
(a love story)
After a friendly discussion on 04/10/2017 between the Ownership of Royal Banana Co. and one of its fine employees, a pending complaint filed by Andrew Jernigan against Royal Banana Co. is to be officially withdrawn effective 4/11/2017, provided both parties agree to the legal language of this (gentlemans) agreement. Just kidding, we are clearly signing a legally binding contract. In no way are any of the terms regarding the financials listed or the issues of any complaint he may have had during his tenure open for negotiation ever again. However, due to the defensive posturing that both parties experienced, I would like to prepare this on my own to assure that it is completed prior to any scheduled meetings on 04/11/2017.
- An immediate donation on behalf of Royal Banana Co. will be made to two separate schools, John Paul II Catholic School, and St. Pius Catholic School. Each check will be for $2500, and dated 04/14/2017 with the exact names and spelling of the ones listed in the previous sentence. This will be a total of $5000, and should be tax-deductible if properly accounted for. As a token of appreciation, Andrew Michael Jernigan will make a similar donation, on behalf of Royal Banana Co., beginning on “Good Friday” 2018, with recurring donations scheduled yearly.
- Royal Banana Co. will also provide a check to Andrew Jernigan in the amount of $5000, payable in the form of an invoice, to properly compensate him for any past consultations, and help reestablish the individual corporation that has provided around the clock services to Royal Banana Co. since March 8th 2011.
- In addition, Royal Banana Co. has decided to make a donation to Antonio Vazquez, greater than $1, that will be in no way an admission of guilt to any issues he may bring forward past or present. This could possibly come in the form of a “missed payment” when recalculating his hours, but I will leave the allocation of funds to the paid professionals.
- Speaking of paid professionals, if at any point Royal Banana Co. decides that any of the language in this contract works to assure our shared interests better than what their attorneys have provided, Royal Banana Co. has agreed to pay $.01 per word for each that is inserted into the official signed agreement.
- Finally, Andrew Jernigan has agreed to avoid hindering the operations of Royal Banana Co. in any way moving forward. I cannot remember the exact lingo as declared by Mr. Weaver on 04/10/2017, but I do remember it was emphatically counted out on 5 fingers, of which the details will be contained in the agreement he prepares to bring this case to resolution. (example: “You’re not going to call Royal Banana employees, you’re not going to call Royal Banana customers, you’re not going to talk bad about Royal Banana).
- In addition, the law office of Plunkett Cooney is to immediately destroy all records of the conversation that took place on their home court 04/10/2017, provided it is of no future use to a case that is schedule to be resolved. If there is surveillance footage of the Lobby while the Plaintiff entered and waited, they will consider providing this to him for completion of his personal file. This will be considered a “token of good faith.”
Thank you kindly for the swift and efficient execution of this matter throughout the legal process. With legal expenses mounting daily, I feel that we have just set the new standard when it comes to the perfect case. Twenty-one days ago Royal Banana Co. and the Plaintiff walked into separate directions, With some heavy commitment by the presenter of this charge, and minimal costs, they were able to find common ground in just 3 short weeks. Andrew Jernigan has also agreed to share his offensive strategy on this masterpiece to all interested parties, with names changed to protect the innocent, at a rate of $700 per hour, not included in these costs are any water he may consume while telling the story.
The Journey 